Zeus returned carrying a six-pack of Mountain Dew. "Hermes said that coffee is a morning drink. He figured you would like this in the afternoon."
"Hey thanks." I said as I reached for the pop. All six cans were only about half the size of the God's hand. He could have crushed a car with one fist.
"About those women..." I began.
"Yes, about them."
"Some of your books state that Hera was my first wife. Not true. My first wife was Metis. She was decent to look at but what got me about her was her wisdom. She knew everything about everything. And she had common sense which is rare in a woman." I cleared my throat to remind him that, I too, was a woman. He didn't seem to notice. "We had a good time and soon she became pregnant. I was pretty excited about having a child but then my folks came to me and warned me that a child might overthrow me."
"Oh not that story again! Can't you gods ever just be happy with your offspring?"
"Not when the kingdom of the Gods and of Men is in question, no. Anyways, I didn't want to be like Dad and swallow the newborn child so I just swallowed Metis instead. Then later..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You REALLY swallowed your wife?"
"Well yes. It seemed like the thing to do."
"But that's cannibalism."
"Not really. I didn't so much chew her up and eat her. I swallowed her whole. She lives on inside of me. And all of her knowledge is now mine."
"Oh, that makes it so much better." I put as much sarcasm in my voice as I could. Once again, he didn't catch on. Metis must be keeping her common sense to herself.
"After she was gone I, of course, needed a new wife. I started traveling around and one day came to Argos. That's where I saw Hera. She had left after our battle with the Titans and gone her own way. One look at those beautiful ankles and I knew I had to have her."
"What is it with you guys and your ankles?"
"They're nice. Very shapely. Anyhow, I watched her for a few days and found out that she went for a walk on the same trail every afternoon. One day, I changed myself into a cuckoo, soaked myself in the rain, and waited for her to see me on the trail."
"Why a cuckoo? Why not something cool like a unicorn?"
"I like cuckoos. And unicorns are mythical." I glanced up with raised brows but decided to keep my mouth shut.
"When Hera saw me, the drenched little bird, she picked me up. At the touch of her hands I couldn't control myself and turned back to my true form. She tried to fight me off but in the end she couldn't resist my charms. So she came to Mount Olympus and married me. We had 3 children together. Ares, the god of war, Hebe, goddess of youth, and Eileithyia."
"What about Hephaestus?"
"After I had swallowed Metis I was plagued with terrible headaches for years. After Eileithyia was born they got worse and worse. One day they became more than even I could bear and I started banging my head against a wall out of frustration and agony. All of a sudden my head split open and out jumped my daughter Athena. She was a sight. Standing in front of me in full armor. She will always be my favorite child. But back to Hephaestus. Hera was so mad that I was able to bear a child by myself that she decided to do the same thing. Hephaestus is her son only, he has no father. I didn't get to see him for a long time after he was born, but his mother will tell you that story. I know that some believe it was him who broke my skull in order to free Athena but as you can see that would have been impossible considering that the birth of Athena is what prompted Hera to have him. Thus, another misconception is cleared up.
"Now, you know about my 2 wives. I suppose it is time to start telling you about my consorts. I can't possibly list all of them, but I will give you a list of the important ones."
"First, there was Themis. Together, we had The Fates who determine the life span of men. There was Lachesis, who decides how long each thread of life will be. Clotho is the spinner of the thread of life and then Atrops is the one who cuts the thread when each humans life must end. Themis also bore The Seasons, Spring, Summer and Winter."
"Why isn't there an Autumn?"
"We prefer to have children in groups of three."
"Oh, I see. Continue then."
"After Themis there was Eurynome with whom I had The Graces, Thala, Euphrosyne and Aglaia. Happiest bunch of girls you ever saw. After that I spent a night with Demeter and that resulted in our daughter Persephone."
"Wait, isn't Demeter your sister?"
"So is Hera."
"Good point. You guys don't think much of incest do you?"
"Gotta keep the divine blood going somehow."
"Right..."
"Next in line was Mnemosyne. Woman had a brain like you wouldn't believe. She never forgot anything; good and bad trait if you ask me. We had 9 daughters, all very gifted in different forms of music, poetry, drama and such. They are The Muses. Their names are Calliope, Clio, Euterpe, Erato, Terpsichore, Melpomene, Thalia, Polyhymnia and Urania. I heard once that a couple of guys named some sort of a building after them. Know anything about that?"
"Actually yes I do. The couple of guys were Plato and Aristotle. The building is a museum."
"Oh isn't that nice. I bet the girls will be happy to hear that."
It blows my mind that he takes something like this so lightly, but hey, he is Zeus. Onward...
"Then there was Leto who gave me my twins Apollo and Artemis, both Olympians. I wanted to try for a third child, just to keep up the theme, but had it been twins again we would have had four and she didn't want that many kids. Those were the children I had with the women who meant the most to me. Some other kids worth mentioning are Aeacus, the son of Aeginas. He was the grandfather of Achilles. Of course there is Heracles, the son of Alcmene. Everyone knows about him."
"I thought his name was Hercules?"
"That's something the Romans made up, stupid race of people that they are. His real name is Heracles, after my wife. Although that didn't stop her from hating him with a purple passion. She will tell you.
"I had another set of twins by Antiope. Two boys named Amphione and Zethus. They built Thebes. Awful proud of those boys.
"Are you familiar with the bears in the stars? The Great Bear and the Little Bear?"
"Somewhere by the Big Dipper?"
"Close enough. The Little Bear is my son Arcas, the Great Bear is his mother Callisto."
"How did they turn into stars?"
"My jealous wife got that ball rolling."
"Oh."
"Helen of Sparta, whom you know as Helen of Troy, was my daughter as well. Her mother was Leda. I went to her in the guise of a swan. Consequently Helen hatched from an egg. Her brother Polydeuces was in the same egg."
"Must have been a big egg."
"I'm a big man. Dionysus was my next son. I always made myself invisible to his mother Semele. Hera talked her into making me show myself to her and when I did she of course died. Bad deal for her but it worked out well for our unborn son. Dionysus became immortal from the act. He wasn't quite ready to be born yet though so I hid him in my thigh until he was done developing."
"You hid him in your... You know what, never mind. Go on."
"The next few aren't very well known. There is Endymion, son of Calyce. Then Sarpedon, Rhadamanthus, and Minos the sons of Europa."
"Minos as in King Minos of Crete?"
"Yup."
"He is well known."
"Oh, I suppose he would be huh? As you know, Hermes is my son. His mother was Maia. Then there is Perseus, born by Danae. Pretty popular guy these days. I hear they made a movie about him. I'm not sure who the mother of Tartarus was... Can't seem to remember that one. And then there was Pirithous, the son of Dia."
"Is that all? I thought you had over 100 children. I only count... let me see... 41 so far."
"All of the nymphs are my daughters as well."
"All the nymphs? What about the satyrs then? They say that they are brothers to the nymphs."
"I don't know what you talking about."
"Yes you do. Satyrs, half man, half goat. Terrible sexual appetite. Sounds like they could be your sons."
"You remember the goat I was nursed by? Amalthea? Well, lets just say that one thing led to another, I was curious and bam, you got satyrs. Just don't make a big deal out of it."
"Okay, but this is big news. A God and a goat, I mean that's a big deal."
"I was young damn it! I gotta go now. Hera wants to talk to you anyway."
Zeus rose from his garnet throne and stomped out. I think the having sex with a goat thing irritated him. It made me laugh. To think that the Greeks put him on a pedestal! This being who had sex with a goat! And he thinks the Romans were crazy.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Origins
Just as he had said, Zeus sent for me early the next morning. Once again, Hermes was my escort. "Don't let him get to you." The messenger told me on our way down the golden halls. "He has mellowed a lot with age. And he really wants to get our stories out there in their correct form so I don't think he will kill you." Somehow his words didn't help comfort me. I wonder why.
Zeus was sitting in his throne just like the night before. I realized, in the light of day, that the whole of it was covered in garnets. The one next to it was adorned with amethysts, the next in aquamarine, and so they went down the line with each of the 12 thrones bearing one of the gems that we know as our birthstones. Interesting. There was an extra chair set up in the center of the circle that had not been there last night. Zeus gestured that I should sit in it. Next to it was a note pad, a pen, a cup of coffee and some pizza.
"I had Hermes run down to Earth and bring back some nourishment for you. As you know we live mainly off of ambrosia and nectar, which would make you immortal as well and we can't be having that."
"Of course not," I replied. Although I did wonder why in the world I shouldn't be immortal. Kind of a cool concept if you ask me.
"If you are ready I think we should get started. Even though most of the books have it right I believe it would be best to start with the beginning. My beginning that is."
I settled down with my coffee and my note pad and listened to the tale of Zeus.
"My father was Cronus, the Lord of the Titans. The Titans were his brothers and sisters. He had married his sister Rhea and because he was a Lord he was expected to have children. The problem was that he had been told by his father Uranus that one of his children would overthrow him. Therefor, good old dad swallowed each of his offspring as soon as they were born."
"Didn't Cronus overthrow his father? Wouldn't that mean he got his due if one of his did the same to him?" I was curious, and wanted to make sure what I knew was right.
"Well yes, I was going to leave that part out but I guess it is important. I will make it short though. Cronus was the son of Uranus and Gaia, who were Heaven and Earth. Uranus was very jealous of his children and kept them locked away inside of their mother. Grandma wasn't to keen on that and so she gave dad a sickle and told him to take revenge on Gramps. Next time he came to fulfill his needs with his old lady, dad took the sickle and castrated him. Some things came of that deal but we will deal with them later. Anyhow, before he left, Gramps told Dad that something of the same nature would happen to him. Hence the swallowing of the children.
"Mom, however, had a plan. When I was about to be born she went to Crete and had me there in a cave. When she got home she gave Dad a rock wrapped in a blanket and told him it was his latest child. Gullible as ever, he swallowed it and went on about his business.
"I stayed in the cave for years and was nursed by the goat Amalthea. When I grew strong enough I went home and made a poison for Dad which would make him regurgitate all of my siblings, who were now also full grown. Out came Hades, Hera, Demeter, Hestia and Poseidon. They ran away to me and we forged an alliance to get rid of Dad and the other Titans. I went into Tartarus, the lowest place in the underworld, and also employed the help of the Cyclops which were my uncles as well. Dad had locked them down there and they wanted revenge. In order to help out they gave me thunderbolts that they had made. Best gift I ever got. My other 3 uncles, the Hecatoncheires, were also in Tartarus and offered to help the cause. They were handy guys to have on my side considering that they each had 100 arms and hands.
"We marched back to Olympus and met up with my brothers and sisters and beat the crap out of Dad and the other Titans."
It looked as though he was done with his story. "I have a question." I said, because I did. "What about Typhos? You wanted to get the story straight, so what about him? Wasn't he your last foe even though he wasn't a Titan?"
"Ugh, I hate talking about that prick but he is part of the story. Typhos was Grandma Gaia's son. His father was Tartarus so you can only imagine what kind of a beast he was. Man from the waist up but a double serpent on the bottom. And he had 100 snake heads which were fast as lightning. Well, not quite that fast considering that I killed him with lightning. It took everything I had to slay him, several times I thought he would win the battle. But in the end I was the victor and I sent him to Tartarus along with the rest of them. And that is how I became the King of the Gods, the highest on Mount Olympus. Any other questions?"
"Yeah."
"Of course you would. Go ahead."
"Go back to the part where your Dad castrated his father. What became of that? I'm curious mainly because it would clear up the story of Aphrodite. No one seems to agree on how she came about. Some believe she is your daughter but others say it ain't so."
"She isn't my daughter. When Dad took the sickle to Uranus his family jewels fell into the ocean. A foam grew around them and it is from that foam that Aphrodite was born. She stepped onto land a full grown goddess intent on making life hell with all her love bull shit. She sure is pretty though..."
"Did anything else happen? From the castration?" I tried getting him back on track and away from the mental image of Aphrodite in the nude.
"Oh, yeah, a couple of things. The blood that fell from his scrotum fell to the Earth and up sprang the Giants and the Furies. We ended up getting in a big fight with the Giants later, and I will tell you about that at the appropriate time. The Furies on the other hand are a pretty good lot. They avenge crime, which is good for me considering I am the God of justice. They keep to themselves for the most part though. Not a real exciting group."
"What about the things that happen next? You and all your lady friends for instance?"
"Shit, I knew you would bring that up. Let me go have some lunch first and then I will tell you about me and my ladies. I'm sure you will hear a lot about them from my old lady Hera as well. She doesn't take kindly to my liaisons."
"I can't imagine why not. Enjoy your lunch Zeus."
He walked away and left me sitting there laughing about the fact that I am all of a sudden on a first name basis with the God of Gods. Crazy.
Zeus was sitting in his throne just like the night before. I realized, in the light of day, that the whole of it was covered in garnets. The one next to it was adorned with amethysts, the next in aquamarine, and so they went down the line with each of the 12 thrones bearing one of the gems that we know as our birthstones. Interesting. There was an extra chair set up in the center of the circle that had not been there last night. Zeus gestured that I should sit in it. Next to it was a note pad, a pen, a cup of coffee and some pizza.
"I had Hermes run down to Earth and bring back some nourishment for you. As you know we live mainly off of ambrosia and nectar, which would make you immortal as well and we can't be having that."
"Of course not," I replied. Although I did wonder why in the world I shouldn't be immortal. Kind of a cool concept if you ask me.
"If you are ready I think we should get started. Even though most of the books have it right I believe it would be best to start with the beginning. My beginning that is."
I settled down with my coffee and my note pad and listened to the tale of Zeus.
"My father was Cronus, the Lord of the Titans. The Titans were his brothers and sisters. He had married his sister Rhea and because he was a Lord he was expected to have children. The problem was that he had been told by his father Uranus that one of his children would overthrow him. Therefor, good old dad swallowed each of his offspring as soon as they were born."
"Didn't Cronus overthrow his father? Wouldn't that mean he got his due if one of his did the same to him?" I was curious, and wanted to make sure what I knew was right.
"Well yes, I was going to leave that part out but I guess it is important. I will make it short though. Cronus was the son of Uranus and Gaia, who were Heaven and Earth. Uranus was very jealous of his children and kept them locked away inside of their mother. Grandma wasn't to keen on that and so she gave dad a sickle and told him to take revenge on Gramps. Next time he came to fulfill his needs with his old lady, dad took the sickle and castrated him. Some things came of that deal but we will deal with them later. Anyhow, before he left, Gramps told Dad that something of the same nature would happen to him. Hence the swallowing of the children.
"Mom, however, had a plan. When I was about to be born she went to Crete and had me there in a cave. When she got home she gave Dad a rock wrapped in a blanket and told him it was his latest child. Gullible as ever, he swallowed it and went on about his business.
"I stayed in the cave for years and was nursed by the goat Amalthea. When I grew strong enough I went home and made a poison for Dad which would make him regurgitate all of my siblings, who were now also full grown. Out came Hades, Hera, Demeter, Hestia and Poseidon. They ran away to me and we forged an alliance to get rid of Dad and the other Titans. I went into Tartarus, the lowest place in the underworld, and also employed the help of the Cyclops which were my uncles as well. Dad had locked them down there and they wanted revenge. In order to help out they gave me thunderbolts that they had made. Best gift I ever got. My other 3 uncles, the Hecatoncheires, were also in Tartarus and offered to help the cause. They were handy guys to have on my side considering that they each had 100 arms and hands.
"We marched back to Olympus and met up with my brothers and sisters and beat the crap out of Dad and the other Titans."
It looked as though he was done with his story. "I have a question." I said, because I did. "What about Typhos? You wanted to get the story straight, so what about him? Wasn't he your last foe even though he wasn't a Titan?"
"Ugh, I hate talking about that prick but he is part of the story. Typhos was Grandma Gaia's son. His father was Tartarus so you can only imagine what kind of a beast he was. Man from the waist up but a double serpent on the bottom. And he had 100 snake heads which were fast as lightning. Well, not quite that fast considering that I killed him with lightning. It took everything I had to slay him, several times I thought he would win the battle. But in the end I was the victor and I sent him to Tartarus along with the rest of them. And that is how I became the King of the Gods, the highest on Mount Olympus. Any other questions?"
"Yeah."
"Of course you would. Go ahead."
"Go back to the part where your Dad castrated his father. What became of that? I'm curious mainly because it would clear up the story of Aphrodite. No one seems to agree on how she came about. Some believe she is your daughter but others say it ain't so."
"She isn't my daughter. When Dad took the sickle to Uranus his family jewels fell into the ocean. A foam grew around them and it is from that foam that Aphrodite was born. She stepped onto land a full grown goddess intent on making life hell with all her love bull shit. She sure is pretty though..."
"Did anything else happen? From the castration?" I tried getting him back on track and away from the mental image of Aphrodite in the nude.
"Oh, yeah, a couple of things. The blood that fell from his scrotum fell to the Earth and up sprang the Giants and the Furies. We ended up getting in a big fight with the Giants later, and I will tell you about that at the appropriate time. The Furies on the other hand are a pretty good lot. They avenge crime, which is good for me considering I am the God of justice. They keep to themselves for the most part though. Not a real exciting group."
"What about the things that happen next? You and all your lady friends for instance?"
"Shit, I knew you would bring that up. Let me go have some lunch first and then I will tell you about me and my ladies. I'm sure you will hear a lot about them from my old lady Hera as well. She doesn't take kindly to my liaisons."
"I can't imagine why not. Enjoy your lunch Zeus."
He walked away and left me sitting there laughing about the fact that I am all of a sudden on a first name basis with the God of Gods. Crazy.
Mount Olympus
I arrived at Mount Olympus not knowing at all what to expect. I was being driven up by Apollo, in his chariot which usually drags the sun across the sky each day. Considering my ride the trip had to of course be made by night which filled it with even more suspense.
The messenger of the Gods, Hermes, had come to me the week before telling me that the almighty Zeus requested my presence. For what he would not tell me. All I got out of the God with the winged sandals was that I should expect Apollo to pick me up. So here I am, in this great chariot drawn by horses made of fire on my way to the most divine place in existence.
My wish for a lighter journey is soon granted when a glow begins to be visible in the distance. I ask Apollo if we are nearing the famed place but he says nothing. He is, it seems to me, the strong silent type. Either that or he can't speak English. Lord knows (or should I start saying Zeus knows as not to offend someone?) that I don't utter a word of Greek. So I wait, and stare at the glowing clouds.
We turn a corner, and there it is; Mount Olympus in all its glory. There are no gates to go through, I assume because Zeus knows when someone is coming before they get there. We drive up a golden road that leads to a circle of thrones, each one more elaborate and beautiful than the next, but none surpass the one in which Zeus is residing. I assume it is him that I see. Huge man, big beard and a lightning bolt by his side. It must be Zeus.
Apollo drops me off in front of the greatest God in history and drives away. I am tongue tied. I don't even really want to look at the menacing form in front of me. From what I have read, doing so will kill my poor mortal self in an instant. But I don't want to offend him by not speaking. Shit, what do I do? Does he speak English?Finally, I clear my throat, "Nice place you got here." I say and instantly begin to mentally kick my own ass. I'm standing in front of Zeus and can't come up with anything better to say than that? "Nice beard you got there," would have been a better idea. Every man likes to have his ego stroked, right? Even a God who knows that he could wipe out the human race in 3 minutes if he wanted to. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"You can look at me you know. I realize that legend says you can't without withering and dying but why would I bring you here just to kill you?" His voice is deep and rough, just like I expected. Makes me think of an old man who smokes a lot. At least he speaks English. I can think of nothing to say when he mentions me withering away to nothing so I stay silent and hope for an explanation.
"You must be wondering why you are here." He says in his old man voice. All I can do is nod. "Well, here is the deal. I have recently begun to read the modern books on mythology and I don't like what they say. There are so many assumptions about what may have happened and why and who did what and so on and so forth. I really want someone to finally get the story straight. And what better way to do that than have the Olympians tell it first hand? That is why you are here. To clear up the mist that surrounds mythology."
"Why me?" I finally find my voice and address the formidable figure before me.
"It was Herme's idea. He said we shouldn't over think the situation and had Ares fire an arrow down to Earth. Hermes followed it down and ended up on your doorstep. Lucky for us you already know something about mythology."
"How do you know that?"
"I know everything. Just remember that while you're here. It's time for you to get settled in now. Hermes will take you to your room. I will send for you in the morning."
And so I was dismissed by the great God of Olympus. Hermes came from out of no where and escorted me to a room in the clouds lavish enough for a queen. This was going to be an interesting adventure, I thought, right before I instantly fell asleep on my bed of clouds.
The messenger of the Gods, Hermes, had come to me the week before telling me that the almighty Zeus requested my presence. For what he would not tell me. All I got out of the God with the winged sandals was that I should expect Apollo to pick me up. So here I am, in this great chariot drawn by horses made of fire on my way to the most divine place in existence.
My wish for a lighter journey is soon granted when a glow begins to be visible in the distance. I ask Apollo if we are nearing the famed place but he says nothing. He is, it seems to me, the strong silent type. Either that or he can't speak English. Lord knows (or should I start saying Zeus knows as not to offend someone?) that I don't utter a word of Greek. So I wait, and stare at the glowing clouds.
We turn a corner, and there it is; Mount Olympus in all its glory. There are no gates to go through, I assume because Zeus knows when someone is coming before they get there. We drive up a golden road that leads to a circle of thrones, each one more elaborate and beautiful than the next, but none surpass the one in which Zeus is residing. I assume it is him that I see. Huge man, big beard and a lightning bolt by his side. It must be Zeus.
Apollo drops me off in front of the greatest God in history and drives away. I am tongue tied. I don't even really want to look at the menacing form in front of me. From what I have read, doing so will kill my poor mortal self in an instant. But I don't want to offend him by not speaking. Shit, what do I do? Does he speak English?Finally, I clear my throat, "Nice place you got here." I say and instantly begin to mentally kick my own ass. I'm standing in front of Zeus and can't come up with anything better to say than that? "Nice beard you got there," would have been a better idea. Every man likes to have his ego stroked, right? Even a God who knows that he could wipe out the human race in 3 minutes if he wanted to. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
"You can look at me you know. I realize that legend says you can't without withering and dying but why would I bring you here just to kill you?" His voice is deep and rough, just like I expected. Makes me think of an old man who smokes a lot. At least he speaks English. I can think of nothing to say when he mentions me withering away to nothing so I stay silent and hope for an explanation.
"You must be wondering why you are here." He says in his old man voice. All I can do is nod. "Well, here is the deal. I have recently begun to read the modern books on mythology and I don't like what they say. There are so many assumptions about what may have happened and why and who did what and so on and so forth. I really want someone to finally get the story straight. And what better way to do that than have the Olympians tell it first hand? That is why you are here. To clear up the mist that surrounds mythology."
"Why me?" I finally find my voice and address the formidable figure before me.
"It was Herme's idea. He said we shouldn't over think the situation and had Ares fire an arrow down to Earth. Hermes followed it down and ended up on your doorstep. Lucky for us you already know something about mythology."
"How do you know that?"
"I know everything. Just remember that while you're here. It's time for you to get settled in now. Hermes will take you to your room. I will send for you in the morning."
And so I was dismissed by the great God of Olympus. Hermes came from out of no where and escorted me to a room in the clouds lavish enough for a queen. This was going to be an interesting adventure, I thought, right before I instantly fell asleep on my bed of clouds.
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