Zeus returned carrying a six-pack of Mountain Dew. "Hermes said that coffee is a morning drink. He figured you would like this in the afternoon."
"Hey thanks." I said as I reached for the pop. All six cans were only about half the size of the God's hand. He could have crushed a car with one fist.
"About those women..." I began.
"Yes, about them."
"Some of your books state that Hera was my first wife. Not true. My first wife was Metis. She was decent to look at but what got me about her was her wisdom. She knew everything about everything. And she had common sense which is rare in a woman." I cleared my throat to remind him that, I too, was a woman. He didn't seem to notice. "We had a good time and soon she became pregnant. I was pretty excited about having a child but then my folks came to me and warned me that a child might overthrow me."
"Oh not that story again! Can't you gods ever just be happy with your offspring?"
"Not when the kingdom of the Gods and of Men is in question, no. Anyways, I didn't want to be like Dad and swallow the newborn child so I just swallowed Metis instead. Then later..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You REALLY swallowed your wife?"
"Well yes. It seemed like the thing to do."
"But that's cannibalism."
"Not really. I didn't so much chew her up and eat her. I swallowed her whole. She lives on inside of me. And all of her knowledge is now mine."
"Oh, that makes it so much better." I put as much sarcasm in my voice as I could. Once again, he didn't catch on. Metis must be keeping her common sense to herself.
"After she was gone I, of course, needed a new wife. I started traveling around and one day came to Argos. That's where I saw Hera. She had left after our battle with the Titans and gone her own way. One look at those beautiful ankles and I knew I had to have her."
"What is it with you guys and your ankles?"
"They're nice. Very shapely. Anyhow, I watched her for a few days and found out that she went for a walk on the same trail every afternoon. One day, I changed myself into a cuckoo, soaked myself in the rain, and waited for her to see me on the trail."
"Why a cuckoo? Why not something cool like a unicorn?"
"I like cuckoos. And unicorns are mythical." I glanced up with raised brows but decided to keep my mouth shut.
"When Hera saw me, the drenched little bird, she picked me up. At the touch of her hands I couldn't control myself and turned back to my true form. She tried to fight me off but in the end she couldn't resist my charms. So she came to Mount Olympus and married me. We had 3 children together. Ares, the god of war, Hebe, goddess of youth, and Eileithyia."
"What about Hephaestus?"
"After I had swallowed Metis I was plagued with terrible headaches for years. After Eileithyia was born they got worse and worse. One day they became more than even I could bear and I started banging my head against a wall out of frustration and agony. All of a sudden my head split open and out jumped my daughter Athena. She was a sight. Standing in front of me in full armor. She will always be my favorite child. But back to Hephaestus. Hera was so mad that I was able to bear a child by myself that she decided to do the same thing. Hephaestus is her son only, he has no father. I didn't get to see him for a long time after he was born, but his mother will tell you that story. I know that some believe it was him who broke my skull in order to free Athena but as you can see that would have been impossible considering that the birth of Athena is what prompted Hera to have him. Thus, another misconception is cleared up.
"Now, you know about my 2 wives. I suppose it is time to start telling you about my consorts. I can't possibly list all of them, but I will give you a list of the important ones."
"First, there was Themis. Together, we had The Fates who determine the life span of men. There was Lachesis, who decides how long each thread of life will be. Clotho is the spinner of the thread of life and then Atrops is the one who cuts the thread when each humans life must end. Themis also bore The Seasons, Spring, Summer and Winter."
"Why isn't there an Autumn?"
"We prefer to have children in groups of three."
"Oh, I see. Continue then."
"After Themis there was Eurynome with whom I had The Graces, Thala, Euphrosyne and Aglaia. Happiest bunch of girls you ever saw. After that I spent a night with Demeter and that resulted in our daughter Persephone."
"Wait, isn't Demeter your sister?"
"So is Hera."
"Good point. You guys don't think much of incest do you?"
"Gotta keep the divine blood going somehow."
"Right..."
"Next in line was Mnemosyne. Woman had a brain like you wouldn't believe. She never forgot anything; good and bad trait if you ask me. We had 9 daughters, all very gifted in different forms of music, poetry, drama and such. They are The Muses. Their names are Calliope, Clio, Euterpe, Erato, Terpsichore, Melpomene, Thalia, Polyhymnia and Urania. I heard once that a couple of guys named some sort of a building after them. Know anything about that?"
"Actually yes I do. The couple of guys were Plato and Aristotle. The building is a museum."
"Oh isn't that nice. I bet the girls will be happy to hear that."
It blows my mind that he takes something like this so lightly, but hey, he is Zeus. Onward...
"Then there was Leto who gave me my twins Apollo and Artemis, both Olympians. I wanted to try for a third child, just to keep up the theme, but had it been twins again we would have had four and she didn't want that many kids. Those were the children I had with the women who meant the most to me. Some other kids worth mentioning are Aeacus, the son of Aeginas. He was the grandfather of Achilles. Of course there is Heracles, the son of Alcmene. Everyone knows about him."
"I thought his name was Hercules?"
"That's something the Romans made up, stupid race of people that they are. His real name is Heracles, after my wife. Although that didn't stop her from hating him with a purple passion. She will tell you.
"I had another set of twins by Antiope. Two boys named Amphione and Zethus. They built Thebes. Awful proud of those boys.
"Are you familiar with the bears in the stars? The Great Bear and the Little Bear?"
"Somewhere by the Big Dipper?"
"Close enough. The Little Bear is my son Arcas, the Great Bear is his mother Callisto."
"How did they turn into stars?"
"My jealous wife got that ball rolling."
"Oh."
"Helen of Sparta, whom you know as Helen of Troy, was my daughter as well. Her mother was Leda. I went to her in the guise of a swan. Consequently Helen hatched from an egg. Her brother Polydeuces was in the same egg."
"Must have been a big egg."
"I'm a big man. Dionysus was my next son. I always made myself invisible to his mother Semele. Hera talked her into making me show myself to her and when I did she of course died. Bad deal for her but it worked out well for our unborn son. Dionysus became immortal from the act. He wasn't quite ready to be born yet though so I hid him in my thigh until he was done developing."
"You hid him in your... You know what, never mind. Go on."
"The next few aren't very well known. There is Endymion, son of Calyce. Then Sarpedon, Rhadamanthus, and Minos the sons of Europa."
"Minos as in King Minos of Crete?"
"Yup."
"He is well known."
"Oh, I suppose he would be huh? As you know, Hermes is my son. His mother was Maia. Then there is Perseus, born by Danae. Pretty popular guy these days. I hear they made a movie about him. I'm not sure who the mother of Tartarus was... Can't seem to remember that one. And then there was Pirithous, the son of Dia."
"Is that all? I thought you had over 100 children. I only count... let me see... 41 so far."
"All of the nymphs are my daughters as well."
"All the nymphs? What about the satyrs then? They say that they are brothers to the nymphs."
"I don't know what you talking about."
"Yes you do. Satyrs, half man, half goat. Terrible sexual appetite. Sounds like they could be your sons."
"You remember the goat I was nursed by? Amalthea? Well, lets just say that one thing led to another, I was curious and bam, you got satyrs. Just don't make a big deal out of it."
"Okay, but this is big news. A God and a goat, I mean that's a big deal."
"I was young damn it! I gotta go now. Hera wants to talk to you anyway."
Zeus rose from his garnet throne and stomped out. I think the having sex with a goat thing irritated him. It made me laugh. To think that the Greeks put him on a pedestal! This being who had sex with a goat! And he thinks the Romans were crazy.
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